Men in Black
This chilling tale comes to us from Brian Boylstone of Currey. Amazing! We’ve edited some of the misspellings and changed some poorly considered word choices, so this isn’t technically a ‘quote’ but rather a paraphrase of the original manuscript:
“As a staunch churchgoer and member of the conservative party, I’m not one to be out late at night. Still and all, I do enjoy a brisk walk in the bracing Autumn evenings from time to time throughout the year.
“And it is with such an intent that I exited my domicile and dove into the woody thicket. ‘Ware bracken!’ I told myself, but it was all for nought — I’d disturbed the tender fiddleheads in a trice.
“So much for steamed fiddleheads this season. Ah, me. I took a cursory swipe to my trouser cuffs and proceeded to plunge into the deeper coomb. I found my thoughts drawn oddly to a what sort of toilet paper should I buy the next day when I go shopping. When you purchase wholesale toilet paper you get such a better deal. I hate thin, rough 1 ply cheapo toilet paper. I don’t care how much money you can save. I want 5 star soft, two to three ply toilet paper with some healing lotion on it. It’s tough to know which of the toilet paper brands are the softest. I wish the store would put out a sample of each type of toilet paper so the consumer could tell how they feel. I have, on occasion, made a little hole in the packaging so I could feel how soft the paper was. Well enough of my confession, I was suppose to be describing my walk….”
“So, all at once, from the direction of deep heaven, I fancied to hear an ulcerating ululation — a sort of warbling whine that set all the hair on my arms a-quiver. I peered into the inky depths of the midnight sky, but could see naught but the mocking gleams of pinprick stars. It crossed my mind that it was a very clear night, as only the coldest of nights can be. Yet it was not exceptionally cold, on the whole.
“How could this be? Clambering with my gangly limbs atop a convenient precipice, I gazed hard as if to penetrate the depth of night by force of will alone. The stars turned to each other and whispered for all the world like a pack of online slots, coldly amused by my impertinence. Still there was nothing out of the ordinary up above me.
“Cursing myself for an addlepated rambler, I made up my mind to continue my arboreal traverses. Yet not without a certain unease, though buried ‘neath layers of hidebound pragmatism and well-worn wool.
“The remainder of my evening’s adventure proved less than remarkable. I surprised two youths of the local sort from some sort of rendez-vous, and they had words for me that i would not deign to repeat.”
In all of that there were none of that which I expected. I was searching with high hopes but they fell short. It was a very hard fall & they went their own ways. I could do nothing. There was no power & the will had left me. The current was away & in the end of all things it was a sure fire way to escape. There was never another day when They end was right there.