This chilling tale comes to us from Brian Boylstone of Currey. Amazing! We’ve edited some of the misspellings and changed some poorly considered word choices, so this isn’t technically a ‘quote’ but rather a paraphrase of the original manuscript:
“As a staunch churchgoer and member of the conservative party, I’m not one to be out late at night. Still and all, I do enjoy a brisk walk in the bracing Autumn evenings from time to time throughout the year.
“And it is with such an intent that I exited my domicile and dove into the woody thicket. ‘Ware bracken!’ I told myself, but it was all for nought — I’d disturbed the tender fiddleheads in a trice.
“So much for steamed fiddleheads this season. Ah, me. I took a cursory swipe to my trouser cuffs and proceeded to plunge into the deeper coomb. I found my thoughts drawn oddly to a what sort of toilet paper should I buy the next day when I go shopping. When you purchase wholesale toilet paper you get such a better deal. I hate thin, rough 1 ply cheapo toilet paper. I don’t care how much money you can save. I want 5 star soft, two to three ply toilet paper with some healing lotion on it. It’s tough to know which of the toilet paper brands are the softest. I wish the store would put out a sample of each type of toilet paper so the consumer could tell how they feel. I have, on occasion, made a little hole in the packaging so I could feel how soft the paper was. Well enough of my confession, I was suppose to be describing my walk….”
“So, all at once, from the direction of deep heaven, I fancied to hear an ulcerating ululation — a sort of warbling whine that set all the hair on my arms a-quiver. I peered into the inky depths of the midnight sky, but could see naught but the mocking gleams of pinprick stars. It crossed my mind that it was a very clear night, as only the coldest of nights can be. Yet it was not exceptionally cold, on the whole.
“How could this be? Clambering with my gangly limbs atop a convenient precipice, I gazed hard as if to penetrate the depth of night by force of will alone. The stars turned to each other and whispered for all the world like a pack of online slots, coldly amused by my impertinence. Still there was nothing out of the ordinary up above me.
“Cursing myself for an addlepated rambler, I made up my mind to continue my arboreal traverses. Yet not without a certain unease, though buried ‘neath layers of hidebound pragmatism and well-worn wool.
“The remainder of my evening’s adventure proved less than remarkable. I surprised two youths of the local sort from some sort of rendez-vous, and they had words for me that i would not deign to repeat.”
In all of that there were none of that which I expected. I was searching with high hopes but they fell short. It was a very hard fall & they went their own ways. I could do nothing. There was no power & the will had left me. The current was away & in the end of all things it was a sure fire way to escape. There was never another day when They end was right there.